O l g a M i k o l a i v n a —

unbecoming

мне хо́лодно / mne holodno / cold is to me / i am cold. in russian. the cold does not overtake the subject, but rather arrives at a moment.

мне скучно / mne skuchno / boredom is to me / i am bored. the boredom too, does not define the whole of the speaker

spanish estar, a version of “to be,” denotes impermanence.

estoy enojada, i am angry, is a momentary “i am.” it does not define a personhood.

tengo hambre, i am hungry/ i have hunger. it is a have, a possession. such as,

—-a possession is never everlasting— we can’t own forever

we can’t own.

tengo miedo—

owning fear does not define the person.

(owning one’s fear)    /  on loan

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english. lacking distinction; fleeting feelings, fleeing states of being,

“i am” embodies.

bestows wholeness of being to emotion         for an               undetermined amount of time.

in therapy i didn’t understand

— “how do you feel?” —

coaxed into an unknown territory, a language unfamiliar —

i feel

the verb to feel exists.                                     in escapable profundity.

no pronounced space to speak of feelings as states of transience.

using i am

in anger, sadness, hunger, identity is ossified.

body becomes a carrier through time and motion.

the gesture—

latin, gestare: to endure. to carry. to bear. to wear. gesture carries.

token of inheritance enduring the translated (through) gesture. anachronistic, amorphous illegible.

brought on as carrier. extending familiar (familial) extractions.

one may say, я голодная, i golodnaya, i am hungry. the hunger is in the body.

there is absolute.             the absolute reformats disabsoluting language.

such as,

ya golodnaya becomes, я проголодалась, ya progoladalas, i have become hungry.

pro — towards golod — hunger

after all this time the subject has become hungry, has waded into a feeling of want.

towards hunger. hunger as desire.

becoming is inexplicable of duration.

becoming as a sterile pronunciation of the inexplicable fecundity             of want

english becomes a language of rigid order. grammar immutable.

profusely unapologetic

when used disorderly, prepositions, adjectives, adverbs become    remainder like in a variable mathematical equation.

a lacuna spoken out of syntax

language whose propriety hasn’t got leniency.             singular dimension

“like a speech that can’t be sustained by the nerves. frightening english.” writes bhanu kapil

in this sense, english is static

breeding structure

colonizes.

“she would take on their punctuation. she waits to service this. theirs. punctuation. she would become, herself, demarcations. absorb it.” [theresa hak kyung cha]

a feeling turned medical condition.

feeling absorbed into body.

hunger suppressors, antidepressants, mood stabilizers

feelings uncontrollable occupy unsuspecting flesh.

consuming (consummating) in the name of something.

to feel is not/ to be.

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